Bang Bang Goes the Head on the Wall

So does anyone else feel as though they are constantly banging their head against a wall?  For the last couple of years that has what my life has felt like.  One thing after another never being able to move forward.  It's aggravating and makes me feel as though I just can't make it no matter how hard I try.  To really explain this we will have to take a trip back to my teenage years, so come along for a whirlwind overview of my crazy circumstances and where they have gotten me.

bang head against wall

I lost my mom when I was 8 and never really learned to deal with the loss.  Looking back, I really needed counseling as a child to learn to cope with her death and the depression/anxiety I also had.  As I got older, around 15, and met more people I was introduced to Marijuana.  I learned that when I was high I didn't feel as bad so it became my medicine.  Fast forward to 18, I was in a horribly abusive relationship, both mentally and physically.  I was using harder drugs to cope, and those were only making things worse.  Because of the cost of the drugs and the habit both my boyfriend and I had we were doing anything we could to not crash.  I ended up doing some very stupid things, forging my Grandfather's name on his check, and getting arrested.  At 19 I became a felon.  At the time I wasn't thinking about how that would affect my life to come. 

I'm not a bad person.  I have been clean for 10 years, went to college/grad school, and have my life together.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Some of us just make worse ones than others.  Sadly those mistakes will follow me to the day I die it seems.  Even though I was 18 at the time of my offense, jobs don't care.  Employers see a felony record and see a hardcore criminal sitting in front of them waiting to pull a gun.  After completing 5 years in college I am not even able to get a job at Starbucks because of my record.  I feel like a failure.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever made myself write, but I know that in my heart it will help me heal.  I still beat myself up every day for the way I caused my life to turn out.  I have tried to push past the circumstances yet every move I make there is a roadblock.  I know that eventually I will find the perfect job for me and they will look past the record that follows me and see my potential.  Until then I will keep my head up and keep filling out applications!    

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